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Dec. 25th, 2009 @ 07:28 pm (no subject)
i swear this was our christmas dinner convo

(after i made my sister cry by telling her i didnt want to celebrate this year and that i didnt care about gifts like she did and calling her spoiled)


grandma: so jillian, whats rony doing tonight?
(jonathan-my brother- chokes and drops his fork)

jillian: home in bed


grandpa: with who?
(jonathan gets up from the table)
(i sink into my seat and stop eating)
(no one says anything for the rest of dinner)


i am grateful for this life, i am grateful for Jesus and the joy and goodness he exemplified, i hope everyones like is filled with it for the next year, and i hope you all are grateful also and remember the things that Christ gave up for us


but this is the most unmerry christmas of my life.
(also, last night was good, except that my father once again felt like he had to make something up to us, and explain, once again, eighteen years later, why my parents got a divorce)








holidays make me homesick.
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Dec. 21st, 2009 @ 09:45 pm (no subject)
the polar express is my favorite christmas movie

and last year, on a tuesday, during the day, we were laying in bed and the polar express came on tv, and i begged him to keep it on, but he playfully changed it and wouldnt let me watch it, he kept hiding the remote (holding it above my head, considering i am incredibly shorter than him)

so i took all of his clothes, put them all on over my clothes, and danced around his room imitating him saying, "im the scrooge and i wont let jillian watch the polar express because i hate christmas and i dont love her"


he then proceeded to chase me around the room, and eventually caught me, and we fell to the floo rin a fit of laughter, and then watched the polar express.


this was always one of my favorite memories of him.



tonight i came home from work, where he continued leading me on, flirting with me, acting lik enothing happened, and then ignoring my phone calls....

and the polar express was on tv and katie was watching it.
she asked me, isnt this your favorite christmas movie?


and i burst into tears and havent stopped crying since.


this is no way to live. everything i enjoyed in life, everything that made my life so bright and so happy and so perfect, makes me so miserable now.
its amazing how everything can just have the exact opposite effect, like im in an alternate universe.
i just havent felt right. i feel like im constantly on the verge of tears. constantly about to lose it.


amanda broke up with her boyfriend of 7 months the other day, and she hasnt left her house, hasnt eaten, hasnt changed her clothes or showered, and sarah keeps complaining about it, and how pathetic she is. the sad part is that, if i didnt have a job, if i didnt have to save face in front of him, if i didnt have so many obligations to so many different people, i feel like i would be doing the same thing.


this feeling needs to leave me. i need to feel better. i need to get my life back in order, and to feel whole and strong again.



when oh when will this sinking feeling, feel like, "man that was ages ago?"
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[info]marlaze
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