| Dec. 27th, 2005 @ 02:54 pm Dear God, get me out of this skin, please. |
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Current Music: the rocket summer.
I just need to get out of here so bad. things are getting out of control. I’m not in any good mood whatsoever. like not even near one. i just want to quit everything get in a my car and drive off. I’ve been watching Laguna for three days now and that’s the only place i want to be. California. out of here. away from all the bull shit that I’m dealing with. i cant even hold a conversation with my mother anymore. i cant be around here anymore. i cant physically deal with her anymore. i cant do it anymore. i just need to escape. run from this house screaming and keep running, never looking back, never contacting anyone from this place again. just escape. just leave. yeah ill miss it and some of the people, I’m not going to pretend that I’m not going to miss anything, I’m sure as hell am, I just need to leave. I’m ready to be alone and I have people who have even said it to me that they're ready to get out of this shit. I’m a fucking mess though. I have no desire to move, or speak. I just want to cry until i throw up, crumble in my dirty room. I need to pack it all up and not turn around. Not come back, not be here, nothing. I want nothing to do with this bull shit. I want nothing to do with this state, this island, this town, this school, these friends, this family, this drama. I'm not 16 years old. I was never my age. I grew up way to fast, although ill admit 90% of the time I’m way too immature for life, but my irrationality was bred from the atmosphere i was brought up in. I can't take anything anymore because I’m so used to watching the "mature" adults around me just explode, break down, and act like their 12. I don't know what I’m doing anymore. I say i wouldn't want to be uprooted suddenly my junior year. But maybe that's what i need, maybe that's what i have to do. Just leave, get out of here, and not turn back. Just leave find an apartment, get a job, go to school, forget sports, and just be Meghan. No, be Ryan. Be who i was supposed to be, Succeed at something for once. Be so successful that people hear about me and wish they could have done what i did. I just need to fly away from all this shit and be Ryan. Be the other half of me that’s screaming to get out of her faster than she can move. I do not think i will survive another year and a half here i might just go crazy and kill someone or myself or just run away and be poor, without anything to eat. I want to be beautiful, and i fell like the longer I’m here the more i age and get ugly and that my eyes are drooping, the circles are getting bigger, the cellulite is growing, and the stress is overtaking my health. I have no passion for life anymore, no reason to roll out of bed, Nothing makes me smile anymore, nothing makes me glad to be alive. I just want reasons to live, reasons to be amazing and spontaneous. I need to be free, i need to be anywhere but here. I need to get away from everything i know. I need to start over, i want to go where no one knows me and become the person I have always wanted to be. I need to express who i am more and become creative, and sensible. I cant be fake anymore, i cant what I’ve pretended be for the past 16 and half years, i need to be amazing. i need to be the alter ego that is burning through my skin that is tearing apart my insides to be. I want to leave now and loose everyone’s numbers, and disappear, and be new. I want to lay on sand and ponder the life I’m trying to lead. I want new ideas, new cities, new places to frequent. I want to find a place where i can walk in and know the waiter and he knows my everyday order, while i take out my agenda and write down where i need to be, and not worry about money, and love my job, and be so in love with the most perfect person. I want to leave in order to be alone, to find someone so i wont have to alone anymore. I want to sleep inside someone’s arms and feel secure. I want roll over and feel like I’ve landed and not that I’m plummeting faster than any parachute could stop me. This whole mission is about me becoming the person i want so badly to be. I want to make a life where people don't ask me how Corey is or how my family is, but want to know what new and exciting things i have created for my self. i want to make my own clothes, and sing my own songs, and travel the world, i want to be successful, but i have to be happy, i want to help other people survive, i want to make a difference, i want to be known for who i am, and not for where i want to be, or who i know. i want to make it places on my own and change the pace of the world. i want to stop strangers in their tracks and hope for the best, i want o climb the world, and claim it mine. I just need to be away from every toxic relationship in my entire life. I need to work more, have no fun and get myself out of here faster than anyone knows how to. I have to escape this shit hole, i have to run fast, and die hard. I babble this all because i want to swim the seas of every country, i need to broaden my horizons, this country isn’t enough for me. I wan to learn Spanish and become someone new, i want to run with the bulls, and go to Ireland and drink guniess with the farmers until the sun come up. I want to milk a cow, i want to bungee jump, i want to sky dive. i want to make a list of everything i ever want to do and of every place i want to be. I need a book to trace everything i want to do and write everything i do in it. i want to have adventures. i want to be in love with everything i choose. I want my behavior to be contagious i want to be unstoppable i want to leave this place and be remembered but forgotten. I want to know if i died today, who would come, who would cry, who would care. I want to know how long it would take my mother to realize i was missing, i want to know what my father will do. I want to know if i can for once be happy in this whole bull shit. I want to run far away and make my self known for everything. I want to own a restaurant, i want to go to Mexico. i want to look great in a bikini. i want to be fucking happy. I don’t like running. But i want to be a track coach. I love to sing, but i never do it. And i can sing, i cant do it. I want to sing for thousands of people and make them cry. I want to write a song that saves someone like Jessie lacey saved me. i want to write a poem that makes others stop and think. i want to be everything opposite of my mother. I just wish my mother knew how amazing i was. i want to go a day without artificial emotion. i want to be new. i need to just go out and do things for myself and no one else. I need to make a difference in this fucking place. I need to drive out of here, i need to say enough until i can t make it all true. Get me out of here please. Get me away from this all please. i want no one to read this i want everyone to read this. i want to scream loud that I AM FUCKING FREE I AM BETTER THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN. I want to become the most amazing person. I want to constructively criticize, i want to be determined. i want so bad to be what everyone wants me to be. I cant be happy here. But no one gets that. I’m not emo or cynical. I’m out of place, i don’t fit here, i don’t belong here i cant be here, and be happy, they do not coincide in my dreams. I need to bad to leave you all and become meghan Ryan Elizabeth, no Dineen. i need my new identity, i need to fly by the seat of my pants and just escape. i know I’m repeating myself, but i need to write what i think, say what i feel and just be the only person who cares what happens to my future. ill take rocket summer's words and move to the other side of the block, and change everything you knew about me. I want to come back here freshman year and have no one recognize who I am. just put them into awe, i need to get away from here, and be better than anyone though i could be. i just need to be fucking happy. I’ll say it a thousand times here if i want to. I only want to be happy i only want o be me, I want nothing from you all, i want it all to be for me. i want to help everyone, and help myself. i have 187? days until i can leave here at my own will. I need to be someone new.
I NEED TO BE ME, I NEED SO BAD TO BE FREE |
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x_c_chica's journal
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